I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
