he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
