I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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