i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There are leaves in my underwear?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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