You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
