Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
