Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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