I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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