I think I won the penis lottery.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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