I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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