sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
