he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
