No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
one might say we're banned from that church
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
