If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
