when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
