I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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