My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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