I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
