woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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