I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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