we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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