so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize