Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
