thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
