if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
