Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
