what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
