how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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