it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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