I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Someone signed my nipple.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
