I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
