I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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