I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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