Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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