I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
