I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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