good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How external is "for external use only"?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
