My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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