Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
