You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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