Already got asked if we're dating
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
