I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
