You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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