take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
