The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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