i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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