my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The best revenge is premature balding
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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