Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
