I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How drunk are you?
Completed.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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