I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
