Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
