Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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