haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
