I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
