Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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