So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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