maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
